It's funny when I stop a minute to consider where I am today in my life, and look back at all the devastation that had to happen to get me here. And when I really think about it, to gain everything I have now, I had to lose everything I had worked so hard for because it was no longer in my best interest.
After going through a separation in February of 2008 and divorce that was final on February 23, 2009 I spent around 3 years focusing on myself...rebuilding my self-esteem, ability to trust and establish myself in the world again with my new identity as "single mom". I had my own place, a car, a job, friends, and life was good. Then in Summer of 2011, the girl I thought was one of my best friends betrayed me, and turned just about everyone in our circle of friends against me. And all of it was over a guy. Not wanting to create more drama by trying to set the record straight, I walked away from the situation wondering why I even bothered trusting people again. Needless to say, I not only lost people I thought were friends that summer, but I also ended up with a broken heart in the aftermath. It was quite a learning experience.
A few months later in February of 2012 (what the hell IS it with me and February????), I went to work on a Tuesday and found out I no longer had a job. That one event would open my Pandora's box and set off a whole series of unfortunate events that would change my life forever. On Friday, I went to pick up my final paycheck, and on my way to pick my daughter up from preschool I was in a wreck. My car was totaled. The tow truck came, I grabbed the car seat and was literally dropped off on the side of the road in front of Enterprise rental car in the freezing cold rain, and I don't think the tow truck driver ever came to a complete stop. With my purse containing every last penny I had to my name in one hand, and a car seat in the other, I trudged up the hill praying I'd get through the door before they closed. I thought to myself "one day I'll look back at all this and laugh..."
I couldn't find a new job fast enough to be able to renew my lease so I lost my apartment, and couldn't take the dog with me once I had to leave. So let's recap: after losing out on love and friendship, within one week I lost my job, my car, my dog and was losing my home. There's gotta be a country song in there somewhere.
Only in Nashville.
I had to be out of the apartment by May 2012 (and I ended up having to pay extra because I hadn't given them enough notice) and had no choice left but to move us back in with family until I could figure out what to do. Not that I particularly liked the apartment...it was haunted as hell and way too small, but it was mine and it was home. I put what little I had left in a 10x10 storage unit and the back of the old worn out SUV I bought on a wing and a prayer. I remember the last moments I spent there in that apartment..broken, alone and scared. I sat on the floor of the empty living room with a bottle of whiskey and cried. And cried, and cried and cursed my God who had torn my life apart again, just as I had picked up the pieces. It wasn't one of my proudest moments. In that moment of raw emotion, it occurred to me that it wasn't normal how I'd gotten to that point. My entire life was being rearranged on Purpose. There was no denying it, ignoring it, or running from it. It was unmistakable. There was no other explanation, I was so far down the wrong path I wasn't even in the general vicinity of the right one, and I was made fully aware of that in that moment. It took losing everything and sitting there in the darkness for me to be able to see it. So, I picked myself up off the floor got in my truck, drove away and never looked back.
Unemployed, humiliated and desperately searching for work, I realized there were no jobs available to me no matter how hard I tried. So I went back to school full time to finish my degree in 2 years, which I never would have been able to do otherwise. During this time, I was also searching for answers and deeper meaning in life. This lead me down
an unexpected path of my spiritual journey that ended up bestowing upon me the gift of true friendship in people I never would have met
otherwise and now consider to be family. In fact, through one of them, I
met additional people I'd never have met otherwise, and now can't even
fathom what life would be like without them. It's funny how the chain
reaction works. But I digress.
My goal was to finish my degree and go on to law school, that was my biggest dream of all. So when the rejection letter arrived on January 9, 2014 I was devastated. A few pints of Guinness later at the pub that night, I was reminded what I'd already learned the hard way... that when things don't work out as planned it means there's something better on the horizon, and I still had work to do. I was chosen out of a couple hundred students as the sole recipient of a departmental academic scholarship and was selected for the holy grail of Criminal Justice internships... the District Attorney's office internship, assisting with homicide cases going to trial. Exactly 7 months to the day after receiving my law school rejection letter, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree at the top of the class in my major, on my mom's birthday. It was the proudest moment of my life.
Three weeks later I found a paralegal job in a downtown law firm. I always swore I'd never have anything to do with family law, but as soon as I saw the job listing I just knew that was where I was
being lead, it "felt" right. I went to the interview with a number popping up persistently in my head (which I thought was silly, I'd never get offered that much without at least a few years of experience in family law) and before I left I had a job offer, in that exact amount, with benefits. Further interviews with other candidates were cancelled, and I started work the next day. That was almost a year ago, and I still feel at home and happy to go to work each day. Well, at least until I hit the lotto so I can buy a huge farm with horses and a white picket fence, be a stay at home mom and travel the world. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
The moral of the story is summarized by one of my favorite quotes "sometimes things have to fall apart so that better things can fall together". When the house of cards comes crashing down, trust that there IS a higher purpose. Learn to recognize the signs, the gentle nudges from spirit that are trying to tell us which way we need to go. Learn to let go with grace and perfect trust. I kind of hate the saying "let go and let God" because that seems to imply that we are merely passive bystanders waiting for life to happen to us without having to do the ground work and without free will. That isn't what it means, though. It means that sometimes we have to trust in something bigger than ourselves that is trying to guide us and looking out for our best interest. There are signs, if you really think about it, that let you know you're going in the wrong direction. These signs are gentle at first and if you're not paying attention or ignore it completely, you will more than likely end up like I did, with a rude awakening. Then, once you're on the right track you'll start seeing even more signs to let you know you're where you need to be. Some people refer to it as synchronicity. We all have free will and have the choice to either cling on to ego and rebel against that gentle nudge from spirit that knows what we need in our lives to reach our potential, or we can follow the signs pointing the way to a better path toward personal and spiritual growth. It's up to us to decide.
Sometimes we have to be torn apart, burnt down and scattered to find our way. You may not believe it at the time, but sometimes the worst things in life give birth to the best things in life. A series of unfortunate events can bring you to your knees but with faith and perseverance, the tide will turn into a series of beautiful events. It is much easier to give up and be the victim of circumstance or "bad luck", but it is also far more painful and tragic than rising from the ashes to stand on your own two feet and give thanks for the beauty of rebirth. I have no idea where life will take me next, but I have every faith that if I continue to remain open and roll with the punches, I'll end up where I need to be.
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