Hi, My Name is That Mom...

This blog is dedicated to all my fellow Dyslexian That Moms.  I salute you.

To be fair, most of us didn't start out as That Mom, it became a matter of survival.  In the beginning, I was really nice and sweet.  And really naive. Then as time dragged on and the wounds started festering from relentlessly banging my head against the walls, barreling down the slippery slope of madness, I became, like so many of you, known only as....

That Mom. 

Not to be mistaken for Helicopter Mom, mind you.  That Mom is a warrior because she has no choice but to be a warrior and she is proud of her efforts no matter how unsuccessful they may be.  Seriously.  I've been That Mom for so long now, I just go ahead and put it on my name tag right from the first day of school like a badge of honor. 

It usually starts out really benign. That first email from the new teacher at the beginning of the year:

"Hi!  I'm Little Susie's new teacher, and I'm so glad to have her in my classroom!  I would love to set up a time for us to talk about Little Susie. She is great with art and music but she really seems to struggle with reading and spelling.  I look forward to our first meeting so we can discuss ways to help her this year!"

Then the first meeting happens.  You inform the teacher that Little Susie is struggling because she is dyslexic and you believe she needs to be evaluated for SLD so she can get an IEP that will help her reach her goals.  Then you quickly realize, the teacher has no idea what you're talking about.  They mention something about talking to the doctor (they make a pill for that, right??).  Or worse, they suggest you take your child to the library.  That's where all the books are.  You know, so they can just read more.  Or worse...offer a few weeks of Reading Recovery.  And so the descent into insanity begins.

You follow up the meeting with an email.

"Hi Ms. Smith. Little Susie's mom, here. Thanks for meeting with me. I thought it might be helpful to send a little information about it, just for your reference. If you have any questions about how we can work together to help her make progress let me know!"

[insert research and statistics proving dyslexia actually exists]
[insert info on Orton Gillingham teaching methods]
[insert links to Sally Shaywitz's books on Amazon]
[insert Youtube videos]
[insert list of famous people with dyslexia]
[insert pie chart, graphs and spreadsheets of all the reasons why Reading Recovery doesn't work]

The emails, notes and phone calls become increasingly more frustrated as the year continues on.  Each one more passive-aggressive than the next as your pleas for help and your insistence on appropriate interventions, evaluations and concerns fall on deaf ears.

Soon, there will be phone calls to administration demanding a formal inquest into your child's lack of progress.  Emails to the district.  Shaking bushes and rattling cages until someone....ANYONE...will listen to your plight.  After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the school won't budge.  Yes, there is a remedy that works for dyslexia but chances are, you're not going have access to it until "their way" is proven to NOT work.  Even though you know it won't, your hands are tied.  I'm not even going to get into the legal issues or the IDEA, RTI2, DOE, FAPE, FBI, FDA, MTV or any other brain melting acronyms.

So what do you do?  Either you completely lose your mind and lash out and blast on social media and tell everyone you know about how crappy the [insert school/principal/district/state/government] is or you back up and punt.  

First, let me start out by saying, from experience, that there is a right and a wrong approach to getting things done.  Typically, you have better luck attracting flies with honey than with vinegar, is what Mom always says (she was also That Mom when she needed to be...I guess I get it honest).  I want to share with you a few tips to help you navigate the journey, in the event you find yourself in shark infested waters.

1.  Don't assume.

Never assume that you're the smartest person in the room.  Don't assume that the school administrators and teachers are ignorant on the subject of dyslexia, EVEN IF you believe with a reasonable degree of certainty (or even if you know for a fact) that they probably think Dyslexia is one of Saturn's moons...or, something.  If it turns out the teacher IS actually unfamiliar with dyslexia and you've approached her with an authoritative tone on the subject...you just became an adversary.  You have purported to be more educated than the educator.  Putting someone immediately on the defensive is not a good way to start off a new relationship (and I emphasize relationship because that is the goal here).  If you're not an educational expert, you're not going to get anywhere that way with someone who is, at least in their mind, an expert in education.

Imagine you're a gym teacher, and you have discovered a cure for cancer.  Now imagine trying to convince an oncologist to believe you.  

2.  Don't verbally vomit.

One of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned is that when you want to sell something to someone, whether it's a product or an idea, is that one of the biggest mistakes many people make is that they overload their "customers" with TOO MUCH information all at once.  More than a couple sentences or a question or two without a response is too much.  Less is more.  A brief note to identify yourself, state that your child has a learning difference that comes with strengths as well as weaknesses, and that you'd like to speak with her to share what has and has not worked for your child in the past.  Then ask a question or two.  Have you had students with dyslexia before?  Do you use multisensory techniques in your classroom?  And leave...it...at...that.  You've opened a dialogue by posing a question or two which necessitates a response.  Wait for a response and proceed accordingly.

You want to open a DIALOGUE to work with your child's teachers, not launch into an oral argument as if you're in front of the Supreme Court fighting for the Constitution.  Drama is for high school proms and prime time TV, okay?

What you're trying to accomplish here is a Team.  What you want to make sure you always focus on is "how can WE work together to help Little Susie grow and flourish?"  When everyone involved loses focus of what the ultimate goal is - helping a child succeed in school - the house of cards collapses.  Chances are they are just as frustrated as you and your child, but with the right approach and mindset everyone can work together to come up with solutions. 

Of course, the above suggestions presume you've got at least something positive, no matter how slight, to work with.

3.  When all else fails, instead of picking up a pitchfork, bring in an advocate.  
....and buy him/her a margarita after every meeting.

This is not really optional if you're being met with extreme and/or hostile resistance, or if you feel that the school is genuinely not playing by the rules.  One thing I've learned is that, generally speaking, S-Teams and IEP teams are like our kids (stay with me, here...) in that they tend to behave much differently for the parents than they do for others.  Advocates are trained professionals who know their way around the options, the test results, the ad nauseum acronyms, and the rules.  But most importantly, they have no personal stake in the matter.  Therefore, a good advocate is, more often than not, a game changer in a drastic situation when all else has failed.  Your advocate should also be able to tell you if you may need to pursue more drastic measures such as hiring an attorney.  In some rare cases that may be necessary but is generally not considered a viable option...there is a reason this option is unpopular.  It can be very expensive (like, you might as well pay for private school tuition, expensive), lengthy, not always successful, and creates an even more adversarial battle ground for you and your child.  Keep in mind that you're not asking for a free Cadillac education here, you just want your child to have a level playing field.

What else can you do?

Be empowered, That Mom, and take heart.  Stay positive.  More negativity in a negative situation does not create anything positive. Celebrating the small victories not only makes you feel more confident it also helps others in the same boat to see that there is hope. Hope and encouragement is what we all need when the struggle starts getting real.

In any event, I personally recommend finding a trained OG tutor for outside help as soon as feasible. When it comes to remediation for a child with dyslexia, time is not on your side.  The sooner you can implement appropriate interventions, the better, even if you have to seek it from outside sources. Ask your child's tutor if he or she will be able to attend school meetings and become part of the support team which should eventually become a well-oiled machine working together for the common purpose.  Check around even if you think you can't afford private tutoring, because some places are willing to offer sliding scale fees for low income families, some receive grants,etc.

If you don't know anyone qualified, seek out your local chapters of Decoding Dyslexia, International Dyslexia Association or Learning Ally for help finding tutors and advocates.  We are here and willing to help you however we can because we are fighting the good fight, too.  Just in the past 5 years we have seen a huge increase in dyslexia awareness and many states are now enacting legislature to help identify struggling readers sooner, provide appropriate and timely intervention, and accountability.  We still have a long way to go, but we have come so far. Dedication, patience, perseverance, and positive attitudes have made these changes possible.

You're not alone.  There is hope!

....And you don't need a pitchfork.  I promise.